I had never felt worse my entire life and it was almost inevitable. I felt my life slipping away from me. All I could think was that I wanted to see my child’s face before I closed my eyes, I whispered my wish, the nurse standing next to me nodded lightly and obliged…
I looked at who was, until this miracle came, the only person I loved in life so much that it hurt. His eyes were fearful as he began to walk toward me, everything seemed so slow. I knew he knew, and all I wanted to do was be strong and be there for them but I knew that wasn’t possible anymore. They brought the baby swaddled in a light colored blanket. I was surprised that his eyes were so big, wide open staring into my face. I took him from her in my arms and he felt so heavy, that’s when I really knew I didn’t have time. Nathan leaned over and kissed me lightly and I smiled at how great that felt, and how amazing that moment was and it hit me suddlenly that I would have no more moments like this…
And as the regret and sadness began to set in I felt myself going, I wrapped his little hand around my finger and I looked up at Nathan and I knew that they were going to be fine without me, I felt peaceful, as I watched his tears stream. The nurse took him from my arms, I smiled at my baby boy at my hysterical husband. He reached for me as my eyes closed, and I desperately wanted to reach back, but I couldn’t. I wan’t sad because even if I wanted to be, the peace that fell over me wouldn’t allow it. So I succumbed. And just like that I was gone.
“It seems we living the american dream
But the people highest up got the lowest self esteem
The prettiest people do the ugliest things
For the road to riches and diamond rings
We shine because they hate us, floss cause they degrade us
We trying to buy back our 40 acres
And for that paper, look how low we a’stoop
Even if you in a Benz, you still a nigga in a coupe”
-“It all falls down” : Kanye West
I listen to this song often and this particular verse always makes my me wonder, I can’t help but think about how true it is… and how underutilized Kanye West’s talent is… he went from rapping this to “N****s in Paris” , seriously Kanye?
You can be so deep sometimes … but then so shallow …
First, allow me to say that I have neglected my blog for quite sometime and I really do have a good excuse. I was busy with schoolwork and life.. and more school work … and sometimes sleep if I were lucky… but that’s not what I really wanna talk about…
When I was younger I would watch television and plays put on, I would run into the bathroom lock the door behind me and spend hours mimicking the lines and movements of those I had watched. I tried to pursue this but it was a financial commitment my family could not make, so the older I got the more this dream began to fade away. I thought it unrealistic that I could ever become an actress, and then I began to criticize those who were following their dreams. The truth is that I was jealous because they were brave enough to follow their dreams and I was not. I thought myself the logical and practical person for pushing my dreams aside. OKAY, don’t get me wrong I love my course work and I love what I am studying and that is not changing at all, but I have also decided to pursue acting. I know I may sound silly but I don’t want to look back and think “well, I wonder what could have been?”. I know that will haunt me, I’m not looking to become some hotshot (though it does sound nice) I just want to tell a story.
To people who know me, I think they believe this came out of left field, but I am glad to say that most of them support me. I am now 20 years old, and all I keep thinking is that I could have done this earlier, I could have been well on my way in my career. Then I think about all of the people I have encountered being in college the opportunities that have I have been awarded because of all my hard work, and I don’t regret my decision to go to college and study Marketing (gotta sell myself right?) and Economics (I can play a politician/Banker/Mogul? hah!). I have been looking for an acting coach, or classes I can take to strengthen my resume [because all of my professional internships mean jack to a talent agency]. I guess I should get small speaking roles in student films, actually I’ll try to be an extra. I guess I really need to work this all out…
At least I’ll know I tried right?